


If Loving You Means Being a Sinner, Then I Don't Wanna Go to Heaven

by tenkkum



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Small Town, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Christianity, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentioned Conversion Therapy, Religion, Running Away, Secret Relationship, Snippets, fluffy? ish???, leave this small town, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26745946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenkkum/pseuds/tenkkum
Summary: yeonjun and soobin want to be able to love each other without keeping it a secret. is it so much to ask?aka that homophobic small town au mini fic that nobody freaking asked for. told in snippets.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Kudos: 50





	If Loving You Means Being a Sinner, Then I Don't Wanna Go to Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> lol i'm not dead. hi, y'all.
> 
> there is use of the f-word. yes, that f-word. i get called it from time to time, but nothing i'm not used to. there is a lot of religious themes and homophobia to accompany this fic. PLEASE READ WARNINGS. I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH !!!

Growing up, Soobin was always told that homosexuality was  _ wrong. _ It was outright  _ sinful _ , to be so selfish as to go against the way God, the creator, had set unspoken rules into this system.

God created Adam and Eve, a male and female, respectively. Supposedly, due to that logic, it meant that you were only allowed to be with the opposite sex. God willed it so, and anything that went against the natural order of things (God's words, which are literal Gospel) was frowned upon. Especially homosexuality.

Soobin’s mother always said, “God hates fags. You, my boy, better not be one of them.”

It was at a young age, when he was ten and hugging a boy that he considered a friend. That was why Soobin’s mother was upset. He’d hugged a  _ boy _ in a way that boys didn’t embrace each other. Was there a specific way they were supposed to hug? Were they not allowed to? His mother and father did it all the time. If they loved and cared for each other, what was wrong about displaying affection for someone you care about?

When she discussed it with his father, he’d banned Soobin from remaining friends with the kid. And promptly slapped him.

_ They were just kids. _

  
  
  


That night, his father had slammed Soobin’s bedroom door open rather forcefully, making a dent on the wall. The young boy could only remember hiding under his blankets as he literally shook and did his best to hold in his tears. Whimpers still escaped. He tucked every edge underneath himself, curled like a frightened hedgehog.

And the words. The words that came next.

“No son of mine,” he spat, “will be a fucking faggot.”

  
  
  


Enter Yeonjun. Someone who makes Soobin’s heartbeat rise over one hundred twenty beats per minute. Someone who makes him feel as if butterflies would flutter in his stomach at every interaction they had. Someone who makes him want to defy everything he’s been taught, and throw away those beliefs in the garbage bin. To not give a single flying fig about what his parents deemed an appropriate relationship.

Choi Yeonjun is a  _ boy _ .

And Soobin supposedly shouldn’t, but he likes boys. Specifically Yeonjun.

He’s never felt the same way towards any girl. Girls didn’t make his heart skip a literal beat. They didn’t give him a euphoric high when they so much as talked or their hands brushed against each other. And none of them could make him blush and become flustered so much as Choi Yeonjun.

He never particularly cared for his classmates’ stories when they’d talk about doing  _ it _ with a girl, despite being told to wait until marriage. He didn’t feel anything when a girl tried to get intimate with him.

If his classmates were already sexually active, and he was gay, then they were all hypocrites.  _ Sinners. _

It made him question everything he’d been told since he was a child; if God was supposed to love everyone, then why would he hate people like him and Yeonjun?

  
  
  


“One day,” says Yeonjun, “we’ll leave this stupid small town.”

_ Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Yeonjun. _

“I promise.” He rolls over to face Soobin, both laying on the grass (with their hands intertwined). Soobin turns his head. There’s a faraway look in Yeonjun’s eyes. One that screams  _ longing _ and  _ wishfulness _ . He so desperately wishes the same thing.

He sends a broken smile back at Yeonjun, whose intense gaze is making Soobin melt.

_ I’ve been told this is wrong. But I love you. You’re worth it. If we get caught, we’re dead. Why does it feel so right? Loving you is supposed to be wrong. _

“One day…” Soobin trails off, unable to meet Yeonjun’s eyes. He inches closer to Yeonjun, until they’re centimetres apart.

Soobin knows that love is love. What they have between each other is… as normal as any other relationship, but with secrecy. He hates having to hide his feelings when he wants to scream how much he  _ loves _ Choi Yeonjun.

His skin still burns at Yeonjun’s touch, and he still has intrusive thoughts telling him how horrible he is because he likes boys. 

But it feels right, and everything he had known was falling apart. Every belief, changed. Homosexuality was wrong? No. What was wrong was the fact that love was still love, but could _only_ happen between opposite genders.

“We’ll run away together. Where we can be… us… and be accepted.”

“Hmn.”  _ I’m sorry mother, father. _

“But we’ll get out of here, if it’s the last thing we do.” Yeonjun throws an arm around his torso, bringing Soobin in closer.

Soobin and Yeonjun are cursed to live this life of constant hiding. He feels so  _ safe _ but it’s still so  _ wrong _ , says a nagging voice in the back of his mind. He ignores it.

Because he loves the boy next to him. So much.

If only he could tell the world…

  
  
  


Sunday masses were an experience, to say the least. The first few times, he knew it was wrong. He knew he shouldn’t be doing it. Every Sunday was a reminder of how fucked up Soobin and Yeonjun were. That their lives would be spent in hiding, unless they ever did run away.

Yeonjun would get up in the middle of mass, heading outside the church. It was unspoken, this pattern, this routine, that they fell into. Minutes later, Soobin would excuse himself. Really, it’s strange how they haven’t been caught, but Soobin is grateful for that.

He’ll take what he can get.

Soobin started caring less and less, wanting to be with Yeonjun. Yearning for Yeonjun. Every Sunday, by just a little, the feeling of _wrong-ness_ decreased.

They would meet behind the chapel, where Yeonjun would kiss him until both their lips were swollen. Yeonjun would have Soobin pressed against the wall, or sometimes the other way around. He’d make sure that he had one leg between Yeonjun’s thighs, to keep him where he was. Yeonjun always kept a hand on Soobin’s waste to steady the older, and Soobin? He’d wander. He'd hold Yeonjun's hand within his own, or keep the other's head in place. Because, _yes, leave marks. No, not where it's visible_ _._

Gripping at Yeonjun’s hair. Entangling his fingers within the strands. One of his favourite things to do was to place a hand over Yeonjun’s rib cage, where he could feel Yeonjun’s heart racing at the speed of sound. Beating as loudly as Soobin’s own. He briefly wondered if Yeonjun could hear Soobin's own heartbeat.

And God, he relished in every second of it.

He could get drunk off of these kisses. A high that he couldn’t get down from. It didn’t matter, at this moment, that everything he’d been taught was a lie. Love is love. And…

_ I love you, Choi Yeonjun. _

“I love you, too, Choi Soobin.”

He paused, taking in Yeonjun’s disheveled appearance. Hair mussy from the way Soobin would tug at it. The crisp, button-down shirt would get wrinkled. Most importantly, the dazed look in Yeonjun’s eyes, pupils blown, reflecting back Soobin’s equally disheveled state. The top buttons of his own shirt, the messed up collar, the _marks_ that Yeonjun left.

“I said that out loud, didn’t I?” Soobin asks, knowing the answer before it even leaves the other’s mouth.

“Please say it again.” Yeonjun pleads. What's Soobin gonna do? Say no?

“I love you, Choi Yeonjun,” he says. And he feels like he’s taking flight.

The smile on Yeonjun’s face, the fondness, the way he kissed Soobin with that much more fervor in between exchanging  _ I love you’s _ was all worth it.

He didn’t even realize he was crying until Yeonjun gently held the older against his chest, allowing him to bury his face there. His embrace was warm despite the wind. Staying like this forever didn't seem like a bad idea.

_ So warm. So comfortable. Feels like home. _

“Let’s go, love,” says Yeonjun. And for once, Soobin doesn’t think twice. One last kiss, pressed to Soobin’s forehead, and an “I love you, Soobin,” later, they set off.

Soobin didn’t care at that moment.  _ Yeonjun loved him, too. _

  
  
  


It’s their place. The clearing in the woods, the grassy patch next to some rocks. The trees are tall, and it makes a good hiding place. Hiding? To hide their relationship. A rendezvous point they met at every night, without fail. Their place, where they could temporarily escape from the confines of their small community. Their space, where they can be themselves-- two boys who love each other, no matter how many times someone says it's _wrong._

That’s the thing about a small town— everyone knows everyone’s business. And this business? Kept hush, in fear of what  _ could _ happen to either of them.

As much as Yeonjun wanted to be public, he, too, knew as well as Soobin that it was essentially asking for a death sentence. Quite literally.

“We should run away soon,” Soobin voices. “Get out of here. We can be free.”

It’s wishful thinking. But it keeps Soobin going.

  
  
  


Their relationship was never easy. Before, Soobin had been in serious denial of his feelings. And as a result, he’d hurt Yeonjun. He still regrets it, never failing to apologize.

Yeonjun would give the world to Soobin. He really would’ve, there was no doubt about that. Soobin, on the other hand, brushed aside whatever he felt. Because it was  _ wrong. _ Loving someone of the same gender? Unacceptable, by any standards. So no, Choi Soobin preferred to think that he  _ hated _ Yeonjun.

He pushed him away, unintentionally, and months after, Soobin came to the realization that losing Yeonjun hurt more than disappointing his own parents.

And for months, it went on like that. Months, it took Soobin to come to terms with it. That he was, in fact, very much gay.

No one to come out to. Certainly not his parents. They’d disown him, force him into conversion therapy… until he wasn’t “gay” anymore.

He realized it during a homily on Sunday mass. About heaven. About going to heaven. Reaching heaven. And he remembered Yeonjun. 

What was heaven without Choi Yeonjun?

The boy who made him feel more safe and comforted than his own  _ parents. _ The boy… whom his heart ached for. There was no point denying it anymore.

His heart longed for Yeonjun, and he swore to himself, after mass, he’d do anything to always do right by Yeonjun.

  
  
  


And even after they started— whatever they called it— there were petty fights and small arguments.

Yeonjun said that Soobin didn’t really like him as he said he did.

Soobin was conflicted about running away, when Yeonjun mentioned it the first few times.

Plans and promises that may never see the light of day, and an angry and frustrated Soobin close to screaming at Yeonjun that he shouldn’t make promises he can’t keep.

It took Soobin years for Yeonjun’s hand in his to feel like he wasn’t burning, or that it wasn't a sin . Because loving a man was unacceptable, by their town’s standards.

Getting tired of hiding. All the frustrations and rules that came with a secret relationship in a conservative small town. He wanted out. And he agreed, eventually, that they should run away. Get out of this place, start a new life for themselves.

  
  
  


If Soobin was being completely honest with himself, hiding was getting tiring. He wanted to openly be able to love Yeonjun. Hold his hand in public. Kiss him at the front door before he had to leave the house.

Simple things, little things.

He knew Yeonjun ached for it too.

  
  
  


Soobin falls asleep in the clearing one night, sharing body heat with Yeonjun. When he wakes up, he hears Yeonjun saying things.

“…but God, you deserve so much better than this, Soobin,” he heard. “I want to hold your hand in public. It’s so simple and so cheesy, but there’s no one more than you than I wanna hold hands with. I wanna wake up to you every morning, in a proper bed without me having to sneak out every morning.”

A sigh.

Soobin keeps his eyes closed, a light smile on his  face.

“Is it so much to ask just to be with the person I love? I want to do those cheesy couple things, like going on stupid dates. I’ll take you out on a date. A proper one, I promise. One day. Where we don’t have to meet up as friends, but as lovers.”

He makes up his mind then and there.

  
  
  


Stolen kisses under the moonlight would still be a thing, of course. In empty corridors during town meetings. Soobin’s bedroom, but quietly and through the window.

Before they found the forest clearing, Yeonjun would sneak into Soobin’s place. They would talk about anything and everything, from the first time Yeonjun said they should leave, to the uncertainties of what was in their future. Even to how Soobin’s parents were pressuring him into finding a girlfriend. One that he would marry, eventually. That was expected of him.

But he didn’t want that. Soobin expressed how he was finally done with trying to satisfy his parents. That it was pointless. Loving Yeonjun... he'd rather have Yeonjun's love than his parents' acceptance. Which would never, in a million years, happen.

He wanted to be able to be with the one he loves, in a place where he wouldn’t have to hide in the safety of a place he never called home. Not this roof he lived under.

He had a go-bag for the longest time. So did Yeonjun. It was a back-up, should things go south and their relationship discovered. Necessary precautions.

  
  
  


“Tonight?”

“Yes. Tonight.”

  
  
  


It rained that night. Streets were permeated the air with the smell of petrichor, but that wasn’t going to stop them from  _ finally _ leaving.

  
  
  


“I love you, Yeonjun.” He said this as he slipped his hand into Yeonjun’s, holding on tight, like a lifeline.

“I love you, Soobin.” Yeonjun laced their fingers together, so delicately. So carefully. “Let’s go.”

They walked to the edge of the town. Up the hill, would be a bus stop. The sun was not yet out, so street lamps illuminated their path. The air was chilly in the morning from last night’s rain. A pleasant gust of wind was welcomed by both boys.

Soobin inhaled deeply, a full look of adoration and a fond smile fixed on his face as he held up their hands. An exhale later, Yeonjun returned the smile.

_ I love you so much, Yeonjun. _

The intensity of Yeonjun’s eyes conveyed the same message.

“We’re here. It’s now or never.”

Soobin’s hands were so clammy. A small part of him said to stay, that this was  _ wrong. _ But if it was wrong, why did it feel like the best decision he’d ever made? 

He would not miss this place. And he wouldn’t look back and regret this.

“If being with the boy I love is a sin, then Father, Mother, I couldn’t care less for heaven.”

Hearts filled with anticipation, fear, excitement,  _ love _ — Yeonjun tugged at their hands. He pointed at the slight incline, the sun beginning to rise.

It was all uphill from there.

“Let’s go.”

Hand in hand, together, they ran.

**Author's Note:**

> hewwo! if you made it this far, thank you for reading! ^~^
> 
> just wanted to say, gosh so much has been going on. should be updating other fics, but here we are, at this one. aahhhhh i'll have a fic published for nct in october for an event. college is a lot, i'm taking as many shifts as possible for work, and i'm honestly procrastinating on an assignment. surviving on caffeine and the broke college student is no joke !
> 
> y'all take care. stay safe, wear masks !! eat, stay hydrated! take breaks when you need to!!
> 
> x,


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